Wholly Me

[Written 2 April 2007, and in further clarification to the post "Clay and Magic"]

This morn, after a sobering class of dynamics, I chanced upon an delightful conversation with a friend, Janine.

(Okay, so I just read this blog written by my cousin who is at least 6 years younger than me, and her grammer and vocabulary was so much better than mine... it was sad. That's why I tried to make the first sentence sound cool. But I've got nothin'.)

Back to the conversation with Janine: "Kaben, are you often frustrated with yourself?"(I love it when people are completely to the point and open, but not in an annoying sort of, "hurry up and get this conversation over with" sort of way)
"Um, usually about two or three times a week." I replied.
"See, that bothers me..." And so the conversation started.
At the end of it, we decided that our psychologies interpret and respond to the word "frustrated" quite differently. We realized that when I say I am frustrated with myself, it is because I am aware of a fault which is slowing me down, and it confounds me that the flaw continues existence, despite my greatest adversion to it. What I told her was that there are parts of me I am frustrated with, but not the whole me. See, there are little itty-bitty parts of me I just really don't like; I think everyone knows what I am talking about. But I always want to grow, so it makes me "frustrated" with those parts of myself that they continue in their stagnation, refusing other parts of myself growth.

But I was thinking more on this as I walked across Caldwell Park, heading home.

What I realized is that I had taken the approach that the objects of my frustration were located in space, and multiple objects could exist within the same moment of time. For example, if I am frustrated with my mind, I may not necessarily be frustrated with my actions, or vice versa. What I then proceeded to discover is that my frustration lies not in space, but in time. I am not frustrated with my body, mind, soul, spirit at different times, I am frustrated with the whole me at specific times. (which, since the four attributes listed can all exist in the same time, they must be catagorized in "space" though plenty of people will argue that "spirit" cannot be catagorized as such. Just bear with me.) I side with Martin Luther here: There is no division of flesh and spirit; body, mind, soul, spirit; nor any other classical or contemporary classification. There is merely us. Our whole selves are brought into who we are, what we think, and what we do.

When Paul talks about "living in the flesh" or "by the Spirit" he is not referring to portions of us. He is referring to how our whole selves are living. Its actually Biblical. A great example is in 1 Corinthians 6:15 when Paul writes, "Do you not know that you are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute?" Here it is clear that what we do, what we think, who we are -it is our WHOLE selves. There is no talk of 'Part X' being united with a prostitute, while 'Part Y' stays clear of that and is holy and with Jesus. No, it is just US.

Therefore I decided that my frustration was not with small portions of myself at any given time, but rather at my whole self at very specific times. Instead of saying, "I don't like this THING about myself," I ought rather to be saying, "I don't like this TIME about myself." It is completely counter-intuitive, but it makes tremendous amounts of sense. There are times -sometimes just fleeting moments, not even a breath; other times, it could be hours!- when I truly despise the person I am, and in every way it is exactly what Paul is talking about in 1 Corinthians. Because while Scripture affirms me as Christ's (Galations 4:6, Romans 8:15, the list is quite long) it is also very clear that God cannot be a part of sin, but that we still continue to be mired by it (Hebrews 10, 2 Peter 1-2, again the list goes on). Therefore, my whole self is given to Christ at some points, and wholly given to idols of sinfulness at others. I am not saying that you lose your salvation. Not at all. What I mean is that when I do something for Christ, my whole self does it for Christ, not just parts of me. We all like that idea. Well, equally so, when I sin, my whole self sins. My whole self forsakes the Living God and His indescribable gift of grace to me, because my whole self sins.

[as a blistering quick clarification as to why I don't think you can lose your salvation: "There was a porquopine crossing a road with its mother. The only way for the little one to cross was to hold tightly to its mother's belly as she walked across. According to that porquopine, 'The only chance I have of getting across is holding on tight and never letting go.' Now there was a kitten crossing the very same road with its mother. The only way the kitten could cross was for the mother to hold it in her mouth. According to the kitten, 'The only chance I have of getting across is by my mother holding tightly to me.'" Therefore, simply because I temporarily turn from God does not me He ever turns from me. But things work best when I hold desprately to Him. The crossing goes much faster, and the likelyhood of encountering traffic is significantly less. Also, the reason why a Holy God who cannot be in the presence of sin doesn't fling me away when I do sin is because there is a bath of Christ's blood, atoning my brokenness and filth into an offering acceptable to that Holy God. We should just talk face to face if you have questions.]

So, Janine, here is my more complete answer. Hope it helps! :)